Sunday, August 21, 2016
What am I feeling? How am I doing? I guess I haven’t answered in months except in conversation, but it’s never a true enough answer unless I’m reading it back to myself. Let’s see, I’m so eager and antsy lately. Perhaps because school is within two weeks, in which all my attention will return to. All this downtime does me no good. It becomes far much easier to collapse on the couch than set out for an adventure, an escape, a break. I currently have nothing to break from. My job as a caregiver is officially over ever since my client was moved into an assisted living facility. For cash, I clean offices and make more money than I did taking care of a human being. It’s near the end of August and I’m so relieved because I think I have seasonal depression. Every August since my friend passed away I’ve felt mixed emotions and struggle expressing myself. The strain is released in various moods, from high to low, rather quickly. I think of my friend and I think of the organization I’ve wanted to create in honor of him. I think how I’ve let myself down because I don’t allow my ideas to come to life. I think of what it could be like, and I’m such a dreamer. I think, think, think, because when I speak it’s gibberish. Because when I try, I give in. Negativity, loneliness, tears. I give into the drama of it all. And dammit, I know better. It’s never as bad as it feels. So, I’m feeling ok and I’m doing better.