Wednesday, March 9, 2016

I Still Don't Know What Love Means

Old writing seen more clearly now---
This past Saturday Evan turned one, which means I’ve been babysitting him for about nine months. It hasn’t always been an every day job but I’ve spent enough hours watching him that he cries when I leave the room. We’ve grown attached to one another, as owners do with pets. I hadn’t realized, even while my nephew was born late last year, how fond I am of children. Seeing a child grin at recognition and hearing them laugh offers a great feeling. It certainly brought out the simplicity of happiness we all chase. To me, nothing is more pure than their innocence and curiosity. Ironically, as I grow older I become skeptic of being a mother one day. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be. At first it was because of the magical cloak I covered the world vanishing to visibility and revealed how much corruption we are surrounded by. I felt worse than a fool. I sunk levels I thought I had beat and the confidence, the wisdom, the love…it all tumbled down with me. The home I built no longer existed but the soil remained. I had to start over. Watching Evan has taught me more than I anticipated.  You don’t just raise a child by feeding him and making sure he’s well rested, you teach him. You have to teach him the things that have become natural to us. You have to tell him “no” when he doesn’t know the meaning. You teach him meanings and most of all you teach him morals. What have mine become? He reminded me of the soul-searching I must resume and the words I too must learn the meaning of. 

No comments:

Post a Comment