Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Till then

I've been thinking about time, life, our existence as human beings, living on the only sustainable planet that is constantly rotating and changing by the second. It amazes me that something so important and necessary (like the spinning Earth) is not even felt. Or how fast the Sun goes down and rises across the world, we don't always see the last moment of light. I've been considering how I've lived the past couple months. This fast-paced lifestyle can truly wear down one's identity. I think about my interests now, compared to my teenage years. This year has already stamped too many disappointments and it hits you that a lot of people truly don't give a fuck, a man eat man kind of world and I'm simply the food at the table. I keep trusting people with my thoughts and placing my hope in their hands, only to be dropped. There's so much to explain but the bottom line is that I'm lost and estranged. Love broke my confidence, but I'm wondering if I ever had any to begin with. At this point, I'm just trying to collect all the pieces of my being I have given away, but when everything feels urgent it seems out of reach. I miss the peace. I miss the feeling of sitting, doing nothing, thinking nothing, but feeling every ounce of beauty, hope, and the goodness to be alive. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. To be certain, is all that one could hope for. I once wrote: What's it like, to be certain of someone who is certain of you? I apply this to everything nowadays.
When I flew to Texas about a year ago, to bring (my ex of 4 years) back to California, it was the second time I've ever been on a plane. I hardly remember the first time because I was so young, and anyway. I was listening to Radiohead on my iPod, sitting on my own. I had the window view. I watched the wing soar through the cumulus clouds that soon sunk and dissipated. I've always been a sky watcher but I've never felt so connected to nature as I did then. It's interesting how nature is so important for our wellbeing. In fact, there's a disorder for those who aren't around it enough. And I mean, easily as sitting in your backyard (a lot of people don't do that. Hell, most people these days don’t even have a backyard). It's called NDD (Nature Deficit Disorder). Which explains why people put sunsets, mountains, beaches, or whatever, as their computer backgrounds, or screensavers. Just looking at it sets something at ease.
My judgment may be hazy now but somewhere in the back of my mind I know that I will be ok, I know good people still exist. I know that I am loved and am grateful for the people who have stuck by my side. There are many people who will influence us but we must never forget our roots - it’s the only thing to keep us from falling.

I wrote this letter awhile ago, it seems. To a dear friend of mine who never got it. I write on my computer, so that it explains why I have it. Anyway. I'm feeling nostalgic and reading my old writing reminds me how far I've come. Some parts of me are still overcoming my ex-relationship. Some memories still haunt me. I feel that I will always carry him in thought, but eventually... it will no longer hurt, but make me smile.

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