Aha

There is a sense of calm
when all is observed
when one is not mute
for what is deserved
the shores make no difference
what is left to be learned
the crickets still chirp
while the wood is left burned
there is no greater howl
than the hunger we need
the fight to sustain
a life to succeed
could our hearts suddenly beat
the harmony we seek
to disable the mask
we use to just peek

Spent

the day being irritable

tracing old thoughts

and digested new ones

so I will take this moment to

breathe the same air

but see a different light.

(If I Could)

I've been meaning to write. During Christmas. I kept going over the Christmas Eve's I slept in my older brother's room. I always begged my parents to let me sleep in the living room but of course they didn't approve, so I slept on his floor. Sometimes I'd pull my mattress in instead and we'd play games like name movie titles from A-Z - until one of us fell asleep. One night I could have sworn I heard Santa on the roof. In fact I heard the sleigh and his reindeer and I asked my brother if we could check, anxious and full of hope, but he talked me out of it.

The new year has begun and I have made resolutions. I normally don't, but this came naturally. I had spent more time being mad at myself than changing, so I am taking grip of my feelings and making use of them by being a much more kind and gentle person. Another was to read all books I buy and live more on a budget. But more personally, I no longer want to judge someone for the things they do not do but rather be aware, acknowledge and appreciate, what they do do. What we have set in our minds isn't always compatible to someone else’s perspective, or their expression of love. Respect, compassion, and loyalty goes a long way.

Tonight I was treated to an Italian cuisine, a little bit of pool, and then the movie Wild. I've been looking forward to watching it, since I had read the book and become a fan of the “Queen of the PCT,” Cheryl Strayed. It certainly urged me to reminisce to the time Carlos, Ceez, and I hiked 25 miles of the PCT during the hottest time of the year (summer). Still eternally grateful for this hike. With all of our gear on our backs, the Sun began to set so we climbed down a gnarly hill and found sand and a stream against a mountain. It was beautiful and terrifying. So off trail and far from the designated campsites, but we had a fire by nightfall, fresh water, a can of beans that we forgot spoons for (you can imagine) and I've never felt more peace than I do in the wild.

 “The wilderness had a clarity that included me.”
- Cheryl Strayed, Wild

Opps I did it again

I've neglected this blog once again. I've spent many hours on a different one (lettucehead.tumblr.com), but this blog stores all my personal work; my thoughts and my photos, which are currently in desperate need of contributing. I've been withholding emotions, sometimes anger and jealousy, that ultimately strips my identity and reveals an unstable, careless, selfish person I never want to be. It's been taking a toll on me that I've finally decided I would never give attention again. Instead I'll dive into my photography and focus on the beauty that's constantly around me, whether I feel ok or not. I'll resort to writing, instead of sulking or mistreating anyone. I'll then be reminded who I really am because those feelings will pass. They always do.

Meanwhile, I've completed my lower division courses for my degree. Side note: I would already have a BA in Journalism had I not realized that’s not the career I want to be doing. Sometimes I think I'm judged for being behind in school, as far as my age is concerned, but quite honestly I'd rather be committed to my goals and I'm lucky enough to know exactly what those are. Needless to say, I'm glad I've failed to learn what I want to succeed in. A psychologist purposefully for suicide prevention.

I've been meaning to put together a website that reaches out to people in need of a reminder to choose life. For the survivors to share their story. I've titled it “Every Word Counts” because essentially we just want to share and be heard. At least that's what I think. I’ve lost 3 people to suicide and it had been during the time their days were so dark I didn't see them. What I ended up noticing is how hard of a choice it is to not want, but to decide to end your life. To even have the ability to go through with it. Which is why it usually involves being intoxicated, and it is never warned. I stopped being mad at myself for falling out of touch with them. There was absolutely nothing I could have said to make them change their mind. However, there is always something they could have said that led them to a new perspective. Sometimes breaking down your thoughts to another person makes it easier to digest, and will then become a different outcome. So I wholeheartedly believe every word counts.

It's nearly Christmas and we've *matt, david, christin, and I* decorated the tree. Having traditional holiday staple pieces in the apartment comforts me because it reminds me of my parent's house. So much history in that house, my dad grew up in it. I had the same bedroom he had in high school. I wrote on the same closet door next to the bands he capitalized in blue. Sorry for ruining it!

Our tree is slightly tilted from the way the farmer cut it. It hangs more ornaments than lights. But it was nice to gather with these dudes who haven't decorated a tree in years. I stereotypically tuned in the Christmas carols, lack a fireplace but lit an incense, and got them to garnish the tree, before the poker game started with mix drinks and beer. During a game the previous night, the power went out. I grabbed all the candles I could find and my camping flashlight for the livingroom and bathroom. We ended  up telling ghost stories and things that didn’t sit well with us. It was the kind of night I'll always remember, even with how simple it was. Ha maybe simplicity is what stands out the most after all.

Ferndale cemetery

Visited a terraced cemetery on top of a hill filled with stone markers from the late 1800's.

This Is Now

It used to tick, stare me down
reinforce visions that didn't last
but I can blink out his sight
a depression I had to fight
I never imagined how much glass
could be chewed
and still survive

No Title

Awakened places in me
sylvan and spring-fed
Afar awaits the sea
to wear like an immense
aqueous skin
Hushed by wonder
using all my senses at a time
but even when there’s thunder
I will dive to find your eyes.