G.

I was so nervous. I blushed and fought making eye contact because I knew you were staring. It was the strangest feeling to feel so small and so big by someone. There had been so much buildup from our friendship and getting closer despite the distance. Before arrival, I told myself to ignore the stressors that will come in a day, fully knowing how minuscule stressors are once the day is over. I’m beginning to recognize I tend to lean on stress as it pushes me to complete tasks, defend my actions, and encourages me to be my best. On the other hand, it has a nasty habit of taking away from a moment that was just fine on its own, without my interrupting negative thoughts. It helped to be seen in my stressful state by someone who cares so much for my well-being to pull me present and get me the hell out of the funk. Looking back it’s funny I could even get in a funk being near someone who can make you glad to be alive. For once I had no set plans in a city I never drive to. Maybe time could have been prioritized better, ate somewhere else, walked down a different street, but how else do you learn if you don’t do it. I also had the best company. There’s so much I noticed about you that attracted me to begin with. Qualities like having an open mind, expressing yourself with thought and consideration, listening well, and also how even when people suck you’re still genuine and compassionate towards them. But what I admire most about you is how you just go for it. Whether it be putting yourself on display, asking strangers questions, feeling something and saying so, or if nerves kick in you don’t allow it to change what you desire. I think it’s the hardest thing to do, to care enough to stop caring and be yourself in a world amongst people trying to figure out that simple, yet we make it complex, part of existing.

Where Are You

I do not want to be in routine of being so figured out I’m uninteresting and dull. I want to remain vibrant, bring you Sun to meet dark and shady moments in our lives. Stick by my side when the tide is low and high. I am the romantic kind. Never ashamed to speak about love. You’re so logical, saying ‘I love you’ is enough. But I would hitchhike across the world to find you…something daring and extraordinary… I would do the unnecessary.

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that—I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much—so very much to learn."

~Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

What am I feeling? How am I doing? I guess I haven’t answered in months except in conversation, but it’s never a true enough answer unless I’m reading it back to myself. Let’s see, I’m so eager and antsy lately. Perhaps because school is within two weeks, in which all my attention will return to. All this downtime does me no good. It becomes far much easier to collapse on the couch than set out for an adventure, an escape, a break. I currently have nothing to break from. My job as a caregiver is officially over ever since my client was moved into an assisted living facility. For cash, I clean offices and make more money than I did taking care of a human being. It’s near the end of August and I’m so relieved because I think I have seasonal depression. Every August since my friend passed away I’ve felt mixed emotions and struggle expressing myself. The strain is released in various moods, from high to low, rather quickly. I think of my friend and I think of the organization I’ve wanted to create in honor of him. I think how I’ve let myself down because I don’t allow my ideas to come to life. I think of what it could be like, and I’m such a dreamer. I think, think, think, because when I speak it’s gibberish. Because when I try, I give in. Negativity, loneliness, tears. I give into the drama of it all. And dammit,  I know better. It’s never as bad as it feels. So, I’m feeling ok and I’m doing better.

The Happiness Project

"To be happy, I needed to generate more positive emotions, so that I increased the amount of joy, pleasure, enthusiasm, gratitude, intimacy, and friendship in my life. I also needed to remove sources of bad feelings, so that I suffered less guilt, remorse, shame, anger, envy, boredom, and irritation. I saw that I also needed to consider feeling right." ---Gretchen Ruben

I set high standards for everyone else, but what about my own? How do I hold myself accountable?

"It was time to expect more of myself." 

"My commandments" 
Be less demanding and pushy.
Do not keep things for sentimental reasons alone.
Manage my moods
Act the way I want to feel
Tenderness and Patience

"It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light."

"What you do every day, matters more than what you do once in a while."

I Still Don't Know What Love Means

Old writing seen more clearly now---
This past Saturday Evan turned one, which means I’ve been babysitting him for about nine months. It hasn’t always been an every day job but I’ve spent enough hours watching him that he cries when I leave the room. We’ve grown attached to one another, as owners do with pets. I hadn’t realized, even while my nephew was born late last year, how fond I am of children. Seeing a child grin at recognition and hearing them laugh offers a great feeling. It certainly brought out the simplicity of happiness we all chase. To me, nothing is more pure than their innocence and curiosity. Ironically, as I grow older I become skeptic of being a mother one day. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be. At first it was because of the magical cloak I covered the world vanishing to visibility and revealed how much corruption we are surrounded by. I felt worse than a fool. I sunk levels I thought I had beat and the confidence, the wisdom, the love…it all tumbled down with me. The home I built no longer existed but the soil remained. I had to start over. Watching Evan has taught me more than I anticipated.  You don’t just raise a child by feeding him and making sure he’s well rested, you teach him. You have to teach him the things that have become natural to us. You have to tell him “no” when he doesn’t know the meaning. You teach him meanings and most of all you teach him morals. What have mine become? He reminded me of the soul-searching I must resume and the words I too must learn the meaning of. 

There's Something

nice about going away on vacation
or being gone for a few hours
to coming home.
These familiar places
that subconsciously create warmth
in a body that easily shivers.

Aha

There is a sense of calm
when all is observed
when one is not mute
for what is deserved
the shores make no difference
what is left to be learned
the crickets still chirp
while the wood is left burned
there is no greater howl
than the hunger we need
the fight to sustain
a life to succeed
could our hearts suddenly beat
the harmony we seek
to disable the mask
we use to just peek