I've neglected this blog once again. I've spent many hours on a different one (lettucehead.tumblr.com), but this blog stores all my personal work; my thoughts and my photos, which are currently in desperate need of contributing. I've been withholding emotions, sometimes anger and jealousy, that ultimately strips my identity and reveals an unstable, careless, selfish person I never want to be. It's been taking a toll on me that I've finally decided I would never give attention again. Instead I'll dive into my photography and focus on the beauty that's constantly around me, whether I feel ok or not. I'll resort to writing, instead of sulking or mistreating anyone. I'll then be reminded who I really am because those feelings will pass. They always do.
Meanwhile, I've completed my lower division courses for my degree. Side note: I would already have a BA in Journalism had I not realized that’s not the career I want to be doing. Sometimes I think I'm judged for being behind in school, as far as my age is concerned, but quite honestly I'd rather be committed to my goals and I'm lucky enough to know exactly what those are. Needless to say, I'm glad I've failed to learn what I want to succeed in. A psychologist purposefully for suicide prevention.
I've been meaning to put together a website that reaches out to people in need of a reminder to choose life. For the survivors to share their story. I've titled it “Every Word Counts” because essentially we just want to share and be heard. At least that's what I think. I’ve lost 3 people to suicide and it had been during the time their days were so dark I didn't see them. What I ended up noticing is how hard of a choice it is to not want, but to decide to end your life. To even have the ability to go through with it. Which is why it usually involves being intoxicated, and it is never warned. I stopped being mad at myself for falling out of touch with them. There was absolutely nothing I could have said to make them change their mind. However, there is always something they could have said that led them to a new perspective. Sometimes breaking down your thoughts to another person makes it easier to digest, and will then become a different outcome. So I wholeheartedly believe every word counts.
It's nearly Christmas and we've *matt, david, christin, and I* decorated the tree. Having traditional holiday staple pieces in the apartment comforts me because it reminds me of my parent's house. So much history in that house, my dad grew up in it. I had the same bedroom he had in high school. I wrote on the same closet door next to the bands he capitalized in blue. Sorry for ruining it!
Our tree is slightly tilted from the way the farmer cut it. It hangs more ornaments than lights. But it was nice to gather with these dudes who haven't decorated a tree in years. I stereotypically tuned in the Christmas carols, lack a fireplace but lit an incense, and got them to garnish the tree, before the poker game started with mix drinks and beer. During a game the previous night, the power went out. I grabbed all the candles I could find and my camping flashlight for the livingroom and bathroom. We ended up telling ghost stories and things that didn’t sit well with us. It was the kind of night I'll always remember, even with how simple it was. Ha maybe simplicity is what stands out the most after all.
